Dear Dean- a suicide note
by Random.Inked.Thoughts
Summary: "Hell, I always knew our story would end together. You just jumped the gun a little bit." In which I write angst with a fluffier ending, and everyone hates everything after Dean's possession occurs. Sam has had enough.


Dean,

Hi again. I know, it's been a while since I wrote, and I'm so sorry. I know I'll see you soon, but that doesn't make writing this out any easier. I had to pick the right words for my final letter to you, forever. You and I have a lot to answer for, I know that, but I just want you to know all of this, before I tell you in person.

You need to know now, the things I could never tell you before. This is the road so far.

It nearly broke Jack's heart when he found his mother and father dead. It nearly broke Jack's heart when you told him you'd kill him. It nearly broke Jack's heart every time you yelled for helping, every time you unnecessarily scolded him. It nearly Jack's heart when Lucifer didn't need him.

He fought through so much, and came out of it stronger for it, no thanks to you. It's ok, I forgive you for it.

It nearly broke my heart when you fought with me about Jack. You called him a monster, the antichrist, but all I could see in him was me, scared and afraid. It nearly broke my heart every time you looked at him in disgust, and all I could see was when it was me in his place, demon blood staining my hands red. It nearly broke my heart, every snide and berating comment. I could only see when you did the same for me.

But I persisted. The kid had been through so much. He deserved at least this. And I forgave you.

And Jack's turned out great, Dean! He's strong and confident, and most importantly, he's adjusting. It's a lot different for him without nephilim abilities, but he's working through it. He's getting a slice of normal. Well… at least as close as we come to normal.

I took him on a hunt yesterday. Nothing extreme, trust me. It was just a ghost. He handled himself like a true hunter. You'd be proud, I know you would. Cas certainly seemed to be.

It nearly broke Cas' heart when you said "yes," and still promised him you'd come back. I could just see it in his face. The raw fear when I returned to him, with Jack, but without you. His heart almost downright shattered when you didn't come back.

He's been much more quiet lately, Cas has. He prefers to watch the bees, and the other small things in life. I sent Jack to check on him yesterday, in the park, and he was just sitting on the bench, staring at the little insect. Jack told me later that he watched tears pouring down his cheeks as he sat there. I pretended not to notice the tracks down his face when he rejoined us.

Occasionally, he flashes back, back to when you were first taken, and we have to snap him out of it. He cries out in enochian, and it's always the same word. He sees you everywhere, from leather jackets to the scent of beer. Jack cried the first time it happened, freezing up, but now he knows what to do. We both do. I don't think I've seen Cas as sad as he is after those flashes end. I think he secretly enjoys them, as painful as they are, just a chance to see you again.

Cas has also taken up painting, and though he's not very good yet, (angels weren't made with creativity) he's doing his best. We all are.

In every painting he does, I see a flash of your green eyes, or a hint of your smile in his faceless creations. It's eerie, and he turns them all the other way when he finishes, or even before. I don't think he likes to see his pain drawn out like that. I think you haunt his memories.

Mom's been really great lately. She's been the strongest of us all, I think. She really took charge after you left, but I promise won't let it go to her head. She helps a lot, with more basic needs. She's the only one providing for this family, at this point, staying out late gambling and playing pool.

Charlie and Bobby are fine. After everything, I won't let anything happen to them either. There was brief talk of return to apocalypse world, but I believe that they're here to stay. They've decided to lead their band of refugees away, after the incident.

Funny thing actually, Gabe's alive! I know, I should have told you earlier, but this isn't exactly blocked out, I'm just rambling here. It appears that the trickster still had a few tricks up his sleeve, but he won't tell anyone how he survived. He helps Cas some, but mostly, he's helped me last this long. Dean, I think I loved him.

That doesn't matter now.

Oh! I enrolled Jack in a nearby public school. He brought home his first B plus a few days ago, and looked at me as if I was going to hit him. I thought of John, and reassured him that he was fine. Later, I cried. He's not fine, none of us are.

He's doing well in school, despite his home situation. He sits with Cas some days, and does his homework. The kid really seems to find peace in his work, but I see a shadow cross his face every now and then. He's suffering from this, just the same as all of us.

I'm running out of things to tell you, and now my time is running short. I know that when I stop writing, I'll see you again, and my heart beats faster the closer to you I get.

One last thing before I go, ok? I want you to know the most important things now. This is where you must listen the closest.

It did break Jack's heart when we began to hunt you.

It did break Cas' heart when we cornered you, and we couldn't even see you in your own face.

And it shattered my heart when I had to drive the blade through yours.

I thought I saw a glimmer of you in your eyes as you died, or was I just imagining things?

I'm leaving painlessly, I promise. OD isn't that uncommon these days. All of my final accords are in place. Jack will be safe with Mom, and she'll help him on his path. He can be whatever he wants. Gabe will watch over him as well. I didn't want to leave until I was sure he was safe.

This doesn't have to be the end of the Winchester legacy, but that doesn't mean it shouldn't be.

I don't know when Cas will return to Heaven, or if he even can. I don't even know if he wants to. But if he reads this, I hope he does. I hope he visits you, and finally gets the happy ending you all deserve.

I don't know what Jack will think, finding this, finding me, but if these words reach him, I want him to know that he has so much more to live for than I did. I may be old and broken, but he is young and new, and there is a big wide world out there buddy, so you need to go jump into it, ok? Do whatever you want. Don't let anyone else tell you what to do. Don't let me hold you up.

I still don't know where Rowena went, but if she comes back, I want her to know I'm thankful for almost everything. If she's up there with you, Dean, I'll tell her myself, but knowing her, she probably isn't yet.

I left the impala to Cas and Jack, and Mom. It was really hers to begin with, but she hasn't gone near it yet. It was your car more than anyone else's, even Dad. There's so much history there, it kind of hurts to look at it.

Well, I think that's enough stalling on my part. I'm going to see you in a few seconds, but I'm scared, Dean. I'm scared of the unknown, but I know you'll be there to guide me through it.

Hell, I always knew our story would end together. You just jumped the gun a little bit. I can't wait to see you again.

I love you.

I'm sorry to keep you waiting.

Sam

~•~•~•~•~

At first, there was nothing. Sam thought he had made a mistake. The blackness of the dark was overwhelming. "Dean?" He called out tentatively, and then a little louder when there was no response. " _Dean?_ "

Sam sucked in a huge breath, sitting up. Looking up, he found himself back at Bobby's, in the living room. It was extraordinarily accurate, down to the pizza stains Dean and he had left on the couch.

There was brief movement in the corner, and Sam found himself staring into bright green eyes.

Sam's face split into a grin as he stood up to greet him.

"Dean."

~•~•~•~•~

 **So that's the story! I just spewed this forth from idk where and thought maybe twenty or so of you would enjoy it. It's more of a ramble, I might pick it up at some point, who knows. Leave likes or reviews or whatever if you enjoyed, cried, hated it, etc. Have a lovely night!**


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